Sex without sin and orgy

Sex without sin is like eating egg without salt- a French author.

The orgy of ideas this afternoon is a new experience. Dr. Margie Holmes is the favorite author of my friend, Doc Rod. He read all the 18 books she authored from Life, Love and Lust and he bought the two new books, Imported Love and Love Triangle. I peeked at the content and bought Love Triangle. I was totally engrossed with this University of the Philippines professor who is a clinical psychologist and a sex therapist.

In the book I am reading she said, “there are no frigid women, only clumsy men”. She is zany,   sassy, direct but not judgmental, her husband Baer on the contrary is a bit conventional and kind of strict. I almost swoon when he said that he became monogamous because of love and men are less likely to commit infidelity because of fear factor. The start of the discussion is open relationship and open marriage. Naïve that I am, I thought open relationship means that everyone knows you are in a relationship, only to know from Doc Rod that it means you can have other sexual partners even if you are married or in a meaningful relationship.

The couple, Dr. Holmes and husband (co-author Baer) both said that it must be established that you do not own your spouse of partner, she is free to do as she would like to and we cannot really control (dare not control) them. Do not ask if you do not want to hear the answer. She told that in the start of their married life, she got jealous of somebody and asked her husband is he liked her and if he would like to have sex with her to which she got yes answer to both questions. Honesty is a requirement in any relationship but how do you handle such a situation. You simply would not ask and if you knew, you would pretend that it is alright with you? This is where the “fear factor” usually came in, the fear of losing your spouse or partner, make it a point that more would be lost if the other person is caught philandering.

Dr. Holmes advised women not to resort to threats since there will come a time that it would not work, instead be direct and when there is a need to take action, do not hesitate and be brave to do whatever needs to be done. Leave… and to be able to do this she said that every woman should have a job or source of income to be very decisive of her actions. So, do not threaten the other person that you would be leaving but make sure that it is known that you would not hesitate to do so when pushed against the wall. So, the “fear factor” of leaving the other person would be based on how important this person is, leaving not just physically but creating a vacuum in the life of the other person. What I am reading is that, we should make ourselves important and special, create the need and also the independence on our part to be ready for any consequences since even the best relationship can fail if not nurtured well or the other person had a change of heart.

Fluidity of sexuality was likewise discussed which is also the next flow on the change of heart; it may be the change of sexual preference. Studies showed that people can change sexual preference like a man who has been happily married to his wife for twenty years has suddenly fallen in love with another man, he changed from heterosexual to homosexual. One of the female audience said she has an American girlfriend and she asked about fluidity of sexuality, she is worried she will one day fall in love with a man.

Dr. Holmes said that women attain orgasm when three things are present, that is happiness in marriage, sexual satisfaction and I forgot the other one, it seems love or  the security of relationship, I am not sure. Men on the contrary are focused in fantasy and friction, these are the only requirement for them to attain sexual satisfaction or orgasm, they are very visual.  Women are tactile, and they need to be touched. Men can look and fantasize but women need to be touched. So, that is the reason why men are like light bulbs and women are like flat irons. I learned this in a religious seminar and in a gender sensitivity seminar- from Ms. Rikken who said that marriage is not the vows in church or the marriage contract you sign, the true marriage is when you are already doing acrobatics in bed.

I ended up buying other books, It’s a Mens World by Bebang Siy who according to Doc Rod and others is the female Bob Ong, two Cat books, and a Filipino book on Pangunawa sa Paggawa ng Tula, a heavy and thick book that I hope to read one a rainy day.

It’s still raining and the orgy of ideas remains in my mind. Men do not think about sex 100% of the time as do women according to Dr. Holmes, it’s a myth.

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